Sharon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
number_eight) wrote2007-02-26 01:37 am
number_eight) wrote2007-02-26 01:37 am
Entry tags:
167 - Write about disappointment or disillusion.
Apartment number 502. That's where I used to live on Caprica, and that's where I went to live after I downloaded. I'm not... I'm not just another Number Eight. I'm Sharon Valerii. My call sign is Boomer, and I'm a Raptor jock. I was on Galactica for two years, serving under Commander Adama. I remember getting my wings, I remember the hand-carved elephants my mother gave to me when I graduated, and I remember how my parents died in the mining accident.
Except it's not. There is no Abraham or Catherine Valerii. They never existed. Just lies, all lies, so I would think I was a normal human. And you know, for about two years, I really was one. But what do you do when you find out you're a Cylon, the very thing you hate?
My whole life has been nothing but bitter disappointments. Mainly in myself, but in society too. I'm a Cylon. I died. I came back to Caprica and back to my apartment -- yes, my apartment -- and I tried to resume my life as Sharon. I failed. I failed in my mission to kill Commander Adama, I failed in my attempt to be human again... I'm just a frak-up no matter what way you look at it. Caprica tried to talk some sense into me, and for a moment, I had some hope. She killed Three and we let the human with Starbuck's tags get away because we both realized something the other models didn't. God wouldn't want us to murder. If there's a God and not gods, as I'd always thought, then He wouldn't approve of genocide. So we came up with a plan to help the human race by caring for them.
New Caprica failed, too. The humans didn't want us there, and I once again couldn't figure out what I was supposed to even be -- human or Cylon? The Cylon part of me wanted New Caprica to work, but every day I had to hear taunts from the people I used to love on Galactica, back when I was just a rook pilot. The human part of me hated those taunts and actually tried to help Cally get out of detention, despite the fact that she killed me. Four months. That was all we had, and I moved onto my next disappointment in myself.
I couldn't take care of Hera. I tried and tried but the stupid frakking baby cried all the Goddamn time no matter what I did. I was rejected admittance onto Galactica with the other models because of Sharon. Not that I would have said anything to Adama by that point, though. Apologies were long forgotten and I had to believe that there was a God. A Cylon God, and that he had a plan for us all, even me. I had to believe in it, you see, because I had nothing left to believe in by that point. I pinned my hopes onto the dreams of other Cylons and tried to push the human part of me down.
Maybe that was why I couldn't care for Hera. No. No, I don't believe that! I did my best! I tried my best! I followed orders I didn't even know that I had, I cared for a child that wasn't my own, I left my apartment and formed a plan to save humanity for the next generation. Every time something came along to knock me down, I'd get back up and try again, and for what? For Caprica to betray me and kidnap Hera? So, what does that make me? Am I a Cylon because I tell people that I don't care about Chief anymore, or am I human because I sought him out on New Caprica to find out how he was doing?
I don't know who I am anymore, or what I should believe in anymore. I don't know if I should let go of the lies or hang onto them. Should I try again and risk another failure like New Caprica, or should I just give up and let them box me, like Three wanted to do back on Caprica? All I know is this -- I'm alone. I've lost the man I love, the family on Galactica, the friend on the Cylon Basestar, even the stupid make-believe frakking daughter that wasn't really mine. Sharon has it all now, though -- Caprica, Hera, a husband, a commission... Adama. A family. I've got nothing.
Let's see if I can frak that up, too.
Muse : Sharon "Boomer" Valerii
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 757
Except it's not. There is no Abraham or Catherine Valerii. They never existed. Just lies, all lies, so I would think I was a normal human. And you know, for about two years, I really was one. But what do you do when you find out you're a Cylon, the very thing you hate?
My whole life has been nothing but bitter disappointments. Mainly in myself, but in society too. I'm a Cylon. I died. I came back to Caprica and back to my apartment -- yes, my apartment -- and I tried to resume my life as Sharon. I failed. I failed in my mission to kill Commander Adama, I failed in my attempt to be human again... I'm just a frak-up no matter what way you look at it. Caprica tried to talk some sense into me, and for a moment, I had some hope. She killed Three and we let the human with Starbuck's tags get away because we both realized something the other models didn't. God wouldn't want us to murder. If there's a God and not gods, as I'd always thought, then He wouldn't approve of genocide. So we came up with a plan to help the human race by caring for them.
New Caprica failed, too. The humans didn't want us there, and I once again couldn't figure out what I was supposed to even be -- human or Cylon? The Cylon part of me wanted New Caprica to work, but every day I had to hear taunts from the people I used to love on Galactica, back when I was just a rook pilot. The human part of me hated those taunts and actually tried to help Cally get out of detention, despite the fact that she killed me. Four months. That was all we had, and I moved onto my next disappointment in myself.
I couldn't take care of Hera. I tried and tried but the stupid frakking baby cried all the Goddamn time no matter what I did. I was rejected admittance onto Galactica with the other models because of Sharon. Not that I would have said anything to Adama by that point, though. Apologies were long forgotten and I had to believe that there was a God. A Cylon God, and that he had a plan for us all, even me. I had to believe in it, you see, because I had nothing left to believe in by that point. I pinned my hopes onto the dreams of other Cylons and tried to push the human part of me down.
Maybe that was why I couldn't care for Hera. No. No, I don't believe that! I did my best! I tried my best! I followed orders I didn't even know that I had, I cared for a child that wasn't my own, I left my apartment and formed a plan to save humanity for the next generation. Every time something came along to knock me down, I'd get back up and try again, and for what? For Caprica to betray me and kidnap Hera? So, what does that make me? Am I a Cylon because I tell people that I don't care about Chief anymore, or am I human because I sought him out on New Caprica to find out how he was doing?
I don't know who I am anymore, or what I should believe in anymore. I don't know if I should let go of the lies or hang onto them. Should I try again and risk another failure like New Caprica, or should I just give up and let them box me, like Three wanted to do back on Caprica? All I know is this -- I'm alone. I've lost the man I love, the family on Galactica, the friend on the Cylon Basestar, even the stupid make-believe frakking daughter that wasn't really mine. Sharon has it all now, though -- Caprica, Hera, a husband, a commission... Adama. A family. I've got nothing.
Let's see if I can frak that up, too.
Muse : Sharon "Boomer" Valerii
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 757