163 - Hindsight is always 20/20
Jan. 29th, 2007 04:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
number_eightThere are only a few things I've ever done that I've regretted doing, and yeah, asking Helo to kill me has to be on the top of that list. But really? Really, I feel like I'm still questioning myself. I know that's odd, considering that Admiral Adama placed trust in me and allowed me to become his "personal advisor" of sorts for awhile. During that time, he was questioning himself, even though he might not have realized it or said it aloud. He needed to be told again what his place was in our fleet and how he needed to forgive himself for things he might have felt guilty about doing or not doing. So, yeah, you'd think that I would have been able to take my own advice on the matter but I can't, somehow.
I just keep thinking back to Caprica and my assignment, and thinking about how I've been telling myself that I frakked it up. How somehow, I became a traitor to my race by siding with the humans. The thing is, what if I didn't frak it up? What if I did exactly what the Cylons wanted me to do? After all, I did manage to get Helo to fall in love with me. I did manage to get pregnant and I had Hera. So what if I fulfilled my assignment unknowingly? What if Hera, who thank God is back home with me now, is more than my daughter?
Six... or Caprica, I suppose I should call her, helped me escape from the basestar with my daughter because she agreed with me that Hera was indeed the future, for humans and Cylons alike. It's true, though; I do believe that she's proof that humans and Cylons can co-exist... and yet, what if there's something more? I'm not sure exactly if it's all part of God's plan just yet, the way that some of the other models might think, but I'm sure there's more to her than President Roslin thinks.
I guess what I'm getting at is that there's no hindsight for me except in the sense of every move I've made since I was given my assignment. It hasn't given me any great or profound insights into myself or into the Cylon way of thinking, but it's kept me up at night. Holding my daughter in my arms as my husband welcomed me back to Galactica was all I could ask for. Somehow, though, the questions remain. If I've indeed fulfilled my mission as I was asked to do -- not programmed to do -- then what will that mean for the Cylons, the future, or me? I can't be a part of the damn prophecy. I refuse to be referred to as "a lower demon" like the so-called Sacred Scrolls say... and yet, I don't wish my daughter to be part of God's plan, either.
I just want us to be together, without any covert missions or secret plots involved. It's a lot to ask for these days, I know, but I can still hope.
Muse: Sharon "Athena" Agathon
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 511
I just keep thinking back to Caprica and my assignment, and thinking about how I've been telling myself that I frakked it up. How somehow, I became a traitor to my race by siding with the humans. The thing is, what if I didn't frak it up? What if I did exactly what the Cylons wanted me to do? After all, I did manage to get Helo to fall in love with me. I did manage to get pregnant and I had Hera. So what if I fulfilled my assignment unknowingly? What if Hera, who thank God is back home with me now, is more than my daughter?
Six... or Caprica, I suppose I should call her, helped me escape from the basestar with my daughter because she agreed with me that Hera was indeed the future, for humans and Cylons alike. It's true, though; I do believe that she's proof that humans and Cylons can co-exist... and yet, what if there's something more? I'm not sure exactly if it's all part of God's plan just yet, the way that some of the other models might think, but I'm sure there's more to her than President Roslin thinks.
I guess what I'm getting at is that there's no hindsight for me except in the sense of every move I've made since I was given my assignment. It hasn't given me any great or profound insights into myself or into the Cylon way of thinking, but it's kept me up at night. Holding my daughter in my arms as my husband welcomed me back to Galactica was all I could ask for. Somehow, though, the questions remain. If I've indeed fulfilled my mission as I was asked to do -- not programmed to do -- then what will that mean for the Cylons, the future, or me? I can't be a part of the damn prophecy. I refuse to be referred to as "a lower demon" like the so-called Sacred Scrolls say... and yet, I don't wish my daughter to be part of God's plan, either.
I just want us to be together, without any covert missions or secret plots involved. It's a lot to ask for these days, I know, but I can still hope.
Muse: Sharon "Athena" Agathon
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 511
