162 - "I never thought I'd say this, but..."

[number_eight]

OOC: Spoilers for 3x12, "Rapture"


I wanted to die.

Just those thoughts alone are strange. All this time, I've done nothing but struggle to live, to survive, to make something out of myself other than "just another toaster"... so to actually, willingly want to die?

Forget about the fact that God's plan, whatever it might be, means that suicide is wrong. Cylons can't kill themselves of their own free will. You humans can, I guess, but I don't know why you'd want to do that. Maybe it's just that your gods are different than the God I believe in, but I know that's not the case. The truth is that Cylons have programming built into them... us... them, frak, no, us. Us. And it prevents us from doing harm to our bodies for selfish reasons. I know there might be suicide bombers out there, but those Cylons are carrying out their mission. My mission is complete. I frakked it up because I fell in love. I am aware of my choices, both now and back then, and my choice has always been to live. Not just for myself, but for Hera, too.

So you've got God who says that killing yourself is wrong, programming already built-in that won't allow you to hurt yourself like that, and then my own opinion on the subject. But I knew. I had to throw all of those ideas out the window because how many chances would I get to be that close to a Cylon Basestar so I could download into a new body? How many chances would I get to save my daughter?

So I asked my husband to kill me.

I'm sorry, Helo. I'm so sorry.



((Locked to Cylons))

I wanted to be her.

The bitch is walking around, wearing my face, and yet I can't get over the fact that all I wanted was her life. Her perfect little frakking life with her husband who loved her and her daughter who stopped crying when she held her. Why did she cry when I held her? Why? We're the same, we're the same frakking model and the brat just.... wouldn't... stop... crying.

Caprica was there, smiling at her, at the baby, and for what? I thought she was with me. I thought that she and I had worked together for our plan, but instead in one moment I looked at the way she was watching Sharon hold her baby and I knew she had left. In mind, in heart... the Caprica I knew who had saved me from being boxed, who had planned the salvation of the human race with me, who had spent hours talking with me over our lost loves... she was on her side now.

I reached into the cradle and began squeezing the neck of the baby. It's not that I hated the baby itself, it's just that... you don't understand. Everything was taken away from me. Everything. The man I loved is married to someone else now. I had realized in that moment that I'd just lost my best friend. Sharon had everything, and I could never be her. That wasn't my assignment. I was Boomer, just another sleeper agent, and nothing else. Why the hell couldn't I have had the "make a human love you and get knocked up" assignment? I'm not her. I'm not Sharon. So, I just wanted to take a little piece of her perfect life away from her, just a tiny piece, just the baby that loved her and not me... but Caprica killed me. She snapped my neck, and the baby's neck was fine, just fine, and Sharon had her perfect daughter back again, and I woke up coughing with Brother Cavil telling me to take deep breaths.

I died. Again. Only this time, it wasn't because I'd been living a lie. It was because I wanted the lie.


Muse : Sharon "Athena" Agathon/Sharon "Boomer" Valerii
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 643

Comments

[arrow-of-apollo.livejournal.com]

That was one hell of a gamble, Lieutenant.

OOC: Fantastic! Both perspectives are great.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

I know. But she's my daughter, Major. What else was I supposed to do? The Old Man knew that we wanted her back, that I wanted to see her, but I don't think he was ready to authorize us to take a Raptor over to one of the basestars. For all I know, the President wouldn't let him, either.

[arrow-of-apollo.livejournal.com]

Yes, well... I suppose I can understand the need to make sacrifices and take risks for the people we love. I think we're all just glad things worked out.

Of course, unofficially, as someone who's disobeyed orders, drawn firearm on a superior officer, stolen a Raptor and freed a military prisoner, I can say "good job" and "well done".

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

Really? Should I even ask?

Thank you, sir. Personally, I don't give a frak what the President thinks of me at the moment, but I know damn well that she doesn't think of me as a human still. And... that means a lot coming from you.

[arrow-of-apollo.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm... Maybe not.

We're at war. In small ways and big ones. And that means people need to make hard decisions that other people aren't going to like. You're welcome.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

I figured not.

Are you referring to President Roslin or myself?

[arrow-of-apollo.livejournal.com]

All of us. But since you mentioned the President, well... I don't support the decision itself, but I suppose I can understand the need to make a decision.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

Maybe. But your father wasn't even allowed in on the decision. Helo could have placed our daughter with a surrogate if they thought I was truly a threat. Anything else except what was done.

[arrow-of-apollo.livejournal.com]

Apparently, the President wasn't interested in hearing dissenting opinions.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

Apparently.

[weissman.livejournal.com]

OCC: awesome, totally awesom.

What were you and Cap6 talking about, you both believe that the future of both races lies together and that Hera really is the face of the future.

Bob

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

It is. It's hard to explain, because whatever the Cylons thought before was wrong. New Caprica was wrong. That stupid idea that humans need to be cared for and loved by Cylons? No frakking way. But I think there's a different way to be with humans, and the only ones who understand that are Helo and me. There's love. I'm a Cylon in love with a human. That right there shows there's a way for us all somehow. Hera is the new future. She's proof that we can exist together.

[weissman.livejournal.com]

Sharon: I see where you are coming from, and it appears that Cap6 agrees with you. is the challenge now to convince other people both Human and Cylon.

Bob

[stuck-in-cic.livejournal.com]

That was extremely brave, Sharon.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Dee. I could say the same for you, considering all the talk going around about how you saved Kara and flew a Raptor back while under fire. *smirks* Yeah, those Raptors can be a pain, huh?

[stuck-in-cic.livejournal.com]

Yeah. *small smile* Had to smack her around a bit to get her to pay attention, but... *small shrug* A small price to pay.

Raptors are something. I have a lot of respect for pilots, I can say that now with a new perspective having done it once.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

I've found if you smack them around, it always seems to work a little bit better, anyway. *grin*

Does this mean you're looking to start flight school?

[stuck-in-cic.livejournal.com]

Not that I enjoyed it... or anything.

*smiles* I think I'll leave flying to Lee and I'll stay in the CIC.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

Too bad... we can always use more pilots.

[stuck-in-cic.livejournal.com]

It's nice to know that I can do it if I have to.

[callsign-helo.livejournal.com]

You were right, and now we have our daughter. I'd do it again. I hope you don't ever have to ask me to do it again, but I would.

[number-eight.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine how you felt when... but you're right. She's back. Our family is back. That's all that matters now.

[callsign-helo.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[weissman.livejournal.com]

OCC- Boomer

"I died. Again. Only this time, it wasn't because I'd been living a lie. It was because I wanted the lie." So Sad, and so true.

Bob

[number-eight.livejournal.com]