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number_eightOOC: Spoilers for 3x12, "Rapture"
I wanted to die.
Just those thoughts alone are strange. All this time, I've done nothing but struggle to live, to survive, to make something out of myself other than "just another toaster"... so to actually, willingly want to die?
Forget about the fact that God's plan, whatever it might be, means that suicide is wrong. Cylons can't kill themselves of their own free will. You humans can, I guess, but I don't know why you'd want to do that. Maybe it's just that your gods are different than the God I believe in, but I know that's not the case. The truth is that Cylons have programming built into them... us... them, frak, no, us. Us. And it prevents us from doing harm to our bodies for selfish reasons. I know there might be suicide bombers out there, but those Cylons are carrying out their mission. My mission is complete. I frakked it up because I fell in love. I am aware of my choices, both now and back then, and my choice has always been to live. Not just for myself, but for Hera, too.
So you've got God who says that killing yourself is wrong, programming already built-in that won't allow you to hurt yourself like that, and then my own opinion on the subject. But I knew. I had to throw all of those ideas out the window because how many chances would I get to be that close to a Cylon Basestar so I could download into a new body? How many chances would I get to save my daughter?
So I asked my husband to kill me.
I'm sorry, Helo. I'm so sorry.
((Locked to Cylons))
I wanted to be her.
The bitch is walking around, wearing my face, and yet I can't get over the fact that all I wanted was her life. Her perfect little frakking life with her husband who loved her and her daughter who stopped crying when she held her. Why did she cry when I held her? Why? We're the same, we're the same frakking model and the brat just.... wouldn't... stop... crying.
Caprica was there, smiling at her, at the baby, and for what? I thought she was with me. I thought that she and I had worked together for our plan, but instead in one moment I looked at the way she was watching Sharon hold her baby and I knew she had left. In mind, in heart... the Caprica I knew who had saved me from being boxed, who had planned the salvation of the human race with me, who had spent hours talking with me over our lost loves... she was on her side now.
I reached into the cradle and began squeezing the neck of the baby. It's not that I hated the baby itself, it's just that... you don't understand. Everything was taken away from me. Everything. The man I loved is married to someone else now. I had realized in that moment that I'd just lost my best friend. Sharon had everything, and I could never be her. That wasn't my assignment. I was Boomer, just another sleeper agent, and nothing else. Why the hell couldn't I have had the "make a human love you and get knocked up" assignment? I'm not her. I'm not Sharon. So, I just wanted to take a little piece of her perfect life away from her, just a tiny piece, just the baby that loved her and not me... but Caprica killed me. She snapped my neck, and the baby's neck was fine, just fine, and Sharon had her perfect daughter back again, and I woke up coughing with Brother Cavil telling me to take deep breaths.
I died. Again. Only this time, it wasn't because I'd been living a lie. It was because I wanted the lie.
Muse : Sharon "Athena" Agathon/Sharon "Boomer" Valerii
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 643
I wanted to die.
Just those thoughts alone are strange. All this time, I've done nothing but struggle to live, to survive, to make something out of myself other than "just another toaster"... so to actually, willingly want to die?
Forget about the fact that God's plan, whatever it might be, means that suicide is wrong. Cylons can't kill themselves of their own free will. You humans can, I guess, but I don't know why you'd want to do that. Maybe it's just that your gods are different than the God I believe in, but I know that's not the case. The truth is that Cylons have programming built into them... us... them, frak, no, us. Us. And it prevents us from doing harm to our bodies for selfish reasons. I know there might be suicide bombers out there, but those Cylons are carrying out their mission. My mission is complete. I frakked it up because I fell in love. I am aware of my choices, both now and back then, and my choice has always been to live. Not just for myself, but for Hera, too.
So you've got God who says that killing yourself is wrong, programming already built-in that won't allow you to hurt yourself like that, and then my own opinion on the subject. But I knew. I had to throw all of those ideas out the window because how many chances would I get to be that close to a Cylon Basestar so I could download into a new body? How many chances would I get to save my daughter?
So I asked my husband to kill me.
I'm sorry, Helo. I'm so sorry.
((Locked to Cylons))
I wanted to be her.
The bitch is walking around, wearing my face, and yet I can't get over the fact that all I wanted was her life. Her perfect little frakking life with her husband who loved her and her daughter who stopped crying when she held her. Why did she cry when I held her? Why? We're the same, we're the same frakking model and the brat just.... wouldn't... stop... crying.
Caprica was there, smiling at her, at the baby, and for what? I thought she was with me. I thought that she and I had worked together for our plan, but instead in one moment I looked at the way she was watching Sharon hold her baby and I knew she had left. In mind, in heart... the Caprica I knew who had saved me from being boxed, who had planned the salvation of the human race with me, who had spent hours talking with me over our lost loves... she was on her side now.
I reached into the cradle and began squeezing the neck of the baby. It's not that I hated the baby itself, it's just that... you don't understand. Everything was taken away from me. Everything. The man I loved is married to someone else now. I had realized in that moment that I'd just lost my best friend. Sharon had everything, and I could never be her. That wasn't my assignment. I was Boomer, just another sleeper agent, and nothing else. Why the hell couldn't I have had the "make a human love you and get knocked up" assignment? I'm not her. I'm not Sharon. So, I just wanted to take a little piece of her perfect life away from her, just a tiny piece, just the baby that loved her and not me... but Caprica killed me. She snapped my neck, and the baby's neck was fine, just fine, and Sharon had her perfect daughter back again, and I woke up coughing with Brother Cavil telling me to take deep breaths.
I died. Again. Only this time, it wasn't because I'd been living a lie. It was because I wanted the lie.
Muse : Sharon "Athena" Agathon/Sharon "Boomer" Valerii
Fandom : Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count : 643
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 07:41 pm (UTC)Thank you, sir. Personally, I don't give a frak what the President thinks of me at the moment, but I know damn well that she doesn't think of me as a human still. And... that means a lot coming from you.no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 09:45 pm (UTC)We're at war. In small ways and big ones. And that means people need to make hard decisions that other people aren't going to like. You're welcome.no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 09:55 pm (UTC)Are you referring to President Roslin or myself?no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 11:09 pm (UTC)All of us. But since you mentioned the President, well... I don't support the decision itself, but I suppose I can understand the need to make a decision.no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 11:41 pm (UTC)Maybe. But your father wasn't even allowed in on the decision. Helo could have placed our daughter with a surrogate if they thought I was truly a threat. Anything else except what was done.no subject
Date: 2007-01-23 12:17 am (UTC)Apparently, the President wasn't interested in hearing dissenting opinions.no subject
Date: 2007-01-23 10:38 am (UTC)Apparently.